You are not alone.

Choosing who will care for your children, if you aren’t able to, is one of the most difficult decisions we face as parents.

It’s tough but it’s not impossible.

We help parents work through this choice all the time.  It’s what we do.

Often, it’s so difficult because putting yourself in that place is really jarring.  No one wants to contemplate their death.  No one wants to imagine their spouse’s death.  No one wants to imagine their children’s lives as orphans.  

The other tough part is when there isn’t an obvious choice.

It’s really tough to pick guardians if you:

– don’t get along with your family

– are an only child

– have aging parents

– are separated or divorced and don’t want your children to be cared for by your ex-spouse

– have family that live a great distance from you & your children’s lives

Here’s some motivation for you.

If you don’t work through this tough decision, here’s what could happen if you haven’t put your wishes in place:

– someone you don’t want to influence your children, cares for them day to day

– your children’s lives are disrupted

– a family member or friend needs to put up their hand and apply for guardianship of your children via a State based government department

– potential guardians battle it out in the Family Court for guardianship of your children

– whoever is awarded guardianship of your children must guess what you wanted for them and what decisions you would have made

So how do we make it easier?

Here & the now

The biggest mistake we see parents making is trying to plan too far into the future.

Plan for now.

Plan for the age and stage your children are now.  Who do they love the best other than you?  Where would they be the happiest?

As soon as you start trying to plan into the future, it becomes too abstract. It muddies the waters for who would be best suited to care for your children.

Stick to the now and you will find it makes it much easier.

One, two or a few?

You can appoint whoever you want as your children’s guardians.

We encourage you to consider who you actually want in the driver’s seat, making day to day decisions.  That is who we would recommend you appoint as guardian.

If you want to appoint a couple, are they both the decision makers? If they split the sheets, would they both still be guardians?

Consider if you are very comfortable with the spouses of any guardians you appoint. By virtue of the job, they are going to have a significant impact on your children’s lives.

You could have a few guardians in mind.  That’s completely OK. You can appoint a group of people as guardians for your children and leave it to them to make the decision of where your children live and who has the day-to-day care of your children.

This is particularly relevant when children are very young.  Don’t stress, it does become clearer, and you can make changes as your wishes develop.

Some other things to think of are:

– Where do your guardians live? Would they or your children need to relocate and is this the best decision for them? (Sometimes it’s more important for your children to be with your chosen guardians, than continue to live in the same location.)

– Are your guardians in a financial position to care for your children? Can they access funds left by you to renovate their home to cater for your children? Upgrade their vehicle? Move to be where you live now? Change their working or income generating arrangements?

– How old are your guardians? Will they continue to be physically and mentally up to the challenge of caring for your children?

These are all things we cover off on in our Heart to Heart and can help guide you through the decision-making process.

Did you know that you can appoint people to guide your guardians?

Yes! You can appoint individuals to have the day-to-day care of your children, and you can nominate who they turn to if they need help making a decision or have encountered a hurdle.

It could be a wise “aunt or uncle”, someone with specialist childcare experience, or someone who knows you really welland has the same values as you, or that you want involved in raising your children, but who doesn’t fit the role of guardian.

Day to day carers Vs. Financial managers

Guardians are the day-to-day carers for your children.

They will decide which school they attend, if they get tuckshop and pocket money, which birthday parties they attend, which book they are read at night before they go to sleep. They are the cuddlers, the carers, guiding your children.

Your Executors are the initial financial managers of the funds set aside for your young children.

If you have trusts in your wills, the Trustees will be the long-term financial managers of your children’s inheritance.

If you don’t have trusts in your wills, then the long-termfinancial managers of your children’s inheritance will likely be your Guardians.

Consider whether your potential guardians get along with your executors and trustees?

Practically the financial managers will set up bank accounts which your guardians can access for day-to-day expenses.  It will be up to them how your children’s inheritance is invested, when changes are made and making sure your children are provided for equally (if that’s what you want.)

Your Wishes

As parents, we all have hopes and dreams for our children.

Your wishes for your children might be spiritual, ethical, educational or vocational.

Most parents want their children to stay living together.

It’s hard to put your hopes and dreams into words.

We have a tool that you can download from our website that helps guide you through the process of writing down some of your wishes for your children.

It provides prompts of things you want to note.

It’s a living document that can change any time your wishes change or develop.

It is REALLY REALLY HARD to complete.  But SO SO WORTH IT.

The main thing is for you to get some wishes down in any way that feels comfortable to you.

We create the space and time you need to do this in our Heart to Heart meetings.  Sometimes it’s easier to talk it through with an independent wills expert.

Sometimes it’s easier to pour a glass of wine or cup of tea, sit down in a comfy spot and let the words flow.

More and more people are becoming comfortable filming their wishes.  This is a lovely legacy that you can leave your children, being a message from you that they can replay over and over again.

Speed Bump Ahead … Ex-Spouses & Co-Parents

A really big hurdle to choosing guardians for your children is an ex-spouse and co-parent that you no longer get along with.

It is so very hard to plan when you don’t want your ex-spouse to have care of your children if you die.

The good news is that your will and the process of getting your will done is your opportunity to document what you do want.

Do you want your children to still have contact with your family and friends?

Do you want your children to continue an existing shared care arrangement, but with your chosen guardians taking on your share of their care?

Do you want to arm your chosen guardians with the tools and financial support to challenge a care arrangement that is not in line with your wishes?

Alternatively, you may have an amazing relationship with your ex-spouse and want them to have sole care for your children if you die.  It’s still important to document your wishes to help facilitate this change.

Still stumped?

Don’t worry we’ve got your back.

Sometimes it’s just hard.

Here are some questions to get you out of your slump and simplify your thinking:

– Who do you NOT want to care for your children?

– If you were in an accident today, who would pick your children up and put them to bed tonight? Are you happy with this situation? If not, why?

– What are your values? Who do you know who aligns with your values and would be good at nurturing your children?

Something is better than nothing

We’ve written a lot about how hard it is to pick guardians.

Keep in mind that it is better to have something documented, than nothing.

We offer all our will makers a 6-month guarantee.  This means if you change your mind about who you want as guardians, you can change your will – no charge.

It’s really important to us that you are comfortable with your decision.

 

Do you have a question about picking guardians that we haven’t touched on?

Please let us know!

We thrive on strengthening and stretching our skills in helping parents through this tough decision making and would love to hear from you.

Please shoot us a DM @grevillea_law or an email nic@glaw.com.au